TWO THOUSAND AND ONE--A HAIR ODYSSEY

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Yesterday I forgot to wear my ball cap to the job site and paid for my lapse. I was trimming large cedar branches with the chain saw when a quarter-size dollop of cedar resin fell on top of my head. I didn’t notice it until later when I reached up to ruffle the sawdust of my scalp and managed to squish the sticky substance into my hair, creating a wad of sawdust, resin, hair, and grossness. Yuck.

In the hours before I could get home, the mass of unspeakable putrescence expanded in volume and nastiness. It seemed to be attracting additional dirt, dust, lint, small insects, and airborne detritus of all kinds. Firmly affixed to my head, it had adhesion power that rivaled superglue. I figured turpentine or mineral spirits on a rag, carefully and patiently applied over several hours, was my first option in attacking the lump, now twice it’s original size. I think I could feel it move, I’m pretty sure about this, like a jungle parasite or alien larva. I wanted it off! Get it off me!

On all the shelves and cabinets of my garage, there was not one drop of solvent.

Desperately I looked around for something. There, flaunting its cheerful blue and white logo, was a modest little can of WD-40, peeking out from behind a can of motor oil, as if to whisper, “Psssst! Over here!” I remembered reading an article called “Facts and Myths about WD-40, Versatile Product of 2000 Uses” or something like that. WD-40?

Oh, what the hell.

I sprayed some of the Versatile Product on my fingertips and went to work. Working completely by feel, I rubbed the secret formula into the hairy wad. Within ten seconds the repulsive mess had completely disappeared. I mean, vanished, vamoosed, kaput. I couldn’t believe it. I kept searching through my hair to find where the thing had hidden. It was gone!

My next thought was, “What have I done?” I envisioned scalp burns, blisters, a large and growing bald spot, maybe melanoma. At the least, I figured I had burned my hair follicles into brittle, straw-like stubs. Quick, to the shower! I washed my hair twice. Hmmmmm? Seemed OK. As I dried and then brushed my hair, I noted something peculiar. My hair looked and felt great. I don’t use conditioner when I wash my hair, so I don’t have much experience in these things, being a manly man and all, but this must be what conditioner is like. My hair felt silky and healthy and . . . well . . . nice. A day later, it still does.

So, WD-40 marketeers, you should immediately do two things. First, (1) add Versatile Use number Two Thousand and ONE, Hair Conditioner, to your ad campaign, and second, (2) pay me some big moolah for my discovery and the free advertising I’ve just given you on my blog. Phone lines are open to receive your proposal, perhaps monetizing my website, though I would also consider a one-time buy-out if it were of sufficient size.

But I’m keeping my eye on the really big payoff. You see, I don’t have a whole lot of hair up there anymore. If I notice a new crop coming in, WD-40 and I are going to make a killing in the hair restoration racket. I really should keep my mouth shut about this, don’t you think? Shhh.

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